Red Meat

fire hose ablutions

Max Cannon — Tue, 25 Jul 2023 01:00:00 -0700

Don't talk...just listen, Milkman Dan. I'm you from ten years in the future and I've come back through time to enlist your aid in averting a tragic event. Will you help? Good heavens, this is thrilling. What's our mission, Future Me? This might sound crazy, but you are about to spill a can of beer. This seemingly trivial accident will cause a small, yet profound, ripple in the greater time-space continuum. No doubt this ripple would lead to dire consequences for future humanity? Nice try Myself, but you pulled this same bit on me about a year ago. You're just joyriding around in your time machine, scamming booze from the primitives. Ha! Guilty as charged. Hahaha! I can barely wait.

slaughterhousekeeper

Max Cannon — Tue, 23 May 2023 01:00:00 -0700

Okay, folks...listen up. I know there's been a lot of loose talk and rumor mongering about company-wide layoffs. I'm here on behalf of management to put an end to it. Yes, Glenn. I saw you had your hand up, there. Did you have a question? I do, Ted. So you're saying there won't be any layoffs, then? Correct. That's what I'm saying. Quick follow up question: now, are you just saying that—or is it actually true? Yikes. I'm actually blushing. No wonder you sales guys made...uh, make so much.

middling notes of mirth

Max Cannon — Tue, 16 May 2023 01:00:00 -0700

Okay guys...*please* go to sleep now. All our home security systems are activated. Could we go over the checklist again, Dad? Sure. I locked the doors and windows and sprinkled cornflakes on the stairs and in the hallway so we'll hear any footsteps. Good. Did you put butter on all the outer doorknobs? Butter...?!? Okay, that's ridiculous. I think this 'monster' obsession of yours has gotten a little unhealthy. Please! They'll get us while we sleep!! Look, guys. How about I go and pour you each a big hearty shot of Jim Beam's magic invulnerability fluid? Grownups swear by it.

sunny side of the sarcophagus

Max Cannon — Tue, 09 May 2023 01:00:00 -0700

I'd been thinkin' about takin' up hiking for awhile, but I didn't have no extra cash to buy no proper clothes or gear for doin' it. ... But seein' as that trucker who picked me up hitchhikin' drugged me and left me here in the middle of the woods... No time like the present.

clip-on hairball extensions

Max Cannon — Tue, 02 May 2023 01:00:00 -0700

Look, man, you can't live by those rules we made way back when we were in college. But we meant it, Don. Look at that over there. If you ever see me holdin' some chick's purse for her, kill me. You got it, my man. Goes double for me. Then you'll just have to go ahead and kill me. My wife comes out of that dressing room and I'm not holding this purse, I'm dead anyway. You have to get in front of these things. Cindy asked me to hold hers once. I gave it to a vagrant. She never asked again.